The first time I saw a trailer for the new Masters of the Universe film, I said to my daughter, “That looks amazingly terrible. I can’t wait to see it.”

This film had a tough road ahead of it from the start. Beyond the reported $300 million budget, including marketing, there had to be a clear decision about who this movie was actually for. Was it meant to appeal to younger audiences who are less familiar with the source material? Or was it meant to pull in the Gen X crowd who grew up with Masters of the Universe and would show up for the nostalgia?

Ideally, it needed to do both.

Instead, the film already seems to be on the road to financial failure, opening with just over $30 million against that massive budget.

Still, I expected my generation to flock to this and enjoy every minute of it. I am a Gen X’er. I was obsessed with the Filmation series and the action figures. I got my popcorn, I got my seat, and I prepared myself for two and a half hours of nostalgia.

What I was not prepared for was how awful this movie was.

First of all, the script and dialogue are rotten. They did the film no favors by once again, as they did with the 1980s Dolph Lundgren adaptation, putting Adam on Earth at the beginning. I do not understand why they think this is necessary. Why not stick to the source material, where he is already a hero of Eternia without needing an Earth origin?

They included several fan-favourite characters, including Trap Jaw, Fisto, and Ram Man, but the amount of “fisting” jokes because a character’s name is Fisto was absurd. Who were they appealing to with jokes like that? Then they squeezed in a joke about Ram Man “giving head,” which was just ludicrous.

The casting, which I have seen many reviewers praise, is decent. Camila Mendes as Teela was probably the highlight of the film. She seemed to be one of the only actors trying to take the material seriously, which I doubt was easy with this script. Idris Elba was also good as Man-At-Arms.

Nicholas Galitzine as Adam/He-Man probably would have been fine if they had not written his entire character as a running joke. He never drops the geeky, awkward facade that comes with Adam, even after he becomes He-Man. He is more surprised than anyone by the transformation. He-Man is not heroic here. He suddenly realizes he can pound people into the air and has fun with it, but his persona never really changes from Adam.

The same can be said for Cringer and Battle Cat, who is woefully underused. In fact, you only get a brief glimpse of Battle Cat at the end. Otherwise, it is Cringer riding into battle armourless and awkward.

I have read reviews claiming the film does a great job sticking to the source material. But did it? Everyone knows Adam is He-Man, and they do not even call him He-Man until a joke is made near the end, when they poke fun at the name. The transformation from Adam to He-Man lacks any real personality change or mythic weight.

The one thing that works in this film is the special effects. The costumes are terrific. Skeletor is nearly perfectly done, balancing terrifying evil with low-brow humour. Castle Grayskull, Snake Mountain, and Eternia in general all look amazing. Visually, the movie understands the property far better than the script does.

They purposely avoid a blatant romance between Teela and He-Man, but still force in one scene where she looks at him with lust as he lifts her ship off the ground.

The real problem with this terrible, terrible adaptation is the direction and the writing. That is ironic because director Travis Knight seems to care deeply about the franchise and the film. But his lack of experience handling something of this scale shows through. As for the screenwriters, they should be banned from Hollywood. Coming mostly from subpar animated work, Chris Butler, Aaron Nee, and Adam Nee clearly had no idea what to do with these characters.

I was stunned by the lack of experience on this directing and writing team. It almost felt like they wanted this to fail.

Honestly, I expected to see this movie more than once. I won't spend another dollar on it. I would much rather watch the 1980s Masters of the Universe with Dolph Lundgren, which was terrible, but has become something terribly fun.

This summer blockbuster will fade fast. Despite having incredible franchise material to work with, they will not be making sequels from this mess.

Avoid this film.

3/10